Work in Progress – Private Draft

Confusion,

Questioning,

Clarity,

Acceptance.

Perception,

                  Perception,

                                    Perception. 

Reality is based off of individual perception. I’m still just learning how all of this works.

So, by focusing on a certain outcome, situation or scenario, we can make it a reality in our life and world. But we have to remain focused, and positive. Doubt cannot be allowed to sneak into our mindset or we are taken right back to the starting point.  We have to believe with every drop of ourself in the intended outcome, while simultaneously still living our current life.

Self-love is also a HUGE KEY FACTOR – in my current predicament. This was also one of the largest hurdles that I have had to overcome, but when I finally got there, it was such a pleasant and comfortable place. I know I am not quite perfectly there yet, I’m a work in progress. I have many many issues that I’m working through.

You would think that I would be use to others telling me to leave my husband by now. It has almost been a year since it began. So, hear me out.

Before TS, I was seemingly happy in my marriage.

What did I experience on TS about that? I was told by MANY that I deserved someone to be free with, someone who I can play with, someone who is a match for my energy and soul.

Then I left TS.
Things didn’t change, they only intensified.
Then it was everywhere, on every tv program, every commercial, every song, YouTube channel, even in my dreams I was experiencing this “you must leave” message.
Strangers have even prompted me to leave.

But, how can I leave someone who loves me so much?

Because we aren’t a vibrational match. He’s holding me back spiritually and evolutionally.  Because he is so dependent on me that he can’t grow, and I can’t grow.

Because there is a better love out there just waiting for me to release this burden.

Whether it is with the one that I truly love or not, there is something better for me. I deserve that.

There is someone out there in this great big world who views me as treasure, not a burden.

A gift, not a weight barer. A joy, not an afterthought.

I know I must forge my path on my own. That God has me under his protection and that everything I touch will turn to gold.  I know that I cannot depend on anyone but myself. I know that I am the only person who I need love from.

—- And here is where I nose dive right back to the start.

I crave love. I need outward love. It is what I have always yearned for from my parents and my siblings, and my friends, and my husband, and my children.

I know the truth is that I am the only one who can supply this love. AND THIS HURTS.

This is where I cannot seem to move past. ☹

I suppose, because I have abandonment issues. I feel like this was all a game, a trick. That once I leave, the thing that was promised to me will never come, but I will be okay on my own.

THIS IS MY BIGGEST FEAR.

I don’t want that. I know what I want. I do trust that I will obtain that, when I am ready and when the universe decides I am ready. I’m okay with that.

In the meantime, I will be sewing back together the pieces of my heart, my mind, and my soul that have shattered into a million pieces, and scattered all over my past.  I am collecting all of myself from every place I have ever been, trying to come to terms of who I really am. Leaving behind the parts of me that I thought were me, but weren’t, and learning what is really inside.

Remembering who I was before I “came here”.  Taking every hint, every clue that has been handed to me, trying to piece it all together because everything is so very closely entwined. I believe there are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. There is a reason I feel this tug on my broken heart. There is a reason why signs keep showing themselves a million times a day.

My parents were older than all of my friend’s parents. My parents were born in 1945, and the music they liked came from the 50’s. I remember specifically, my dad told me one time that I would really like a band called Buffalo Springfield- more specifically the song Signs. They were a “Hippy Band”, from 1966-1968. Not the kind of music my father was interested in whatsoever. I remembered this the other day and nearly hit the floor.

As I think back on my mother,  growing up, everyone said she was crazy. Even myself, have thought this numerous times. Now- right now in this very moment- I know the truth. She was not crazy, but awake. I used to hold it against her that she had to take 4-5 Sudafed a day. I used to think of her as a “pill popper” who was trying to escape her reality. But now, I think she was trying to find her true self. She never tried to please anyone but herself, and that is actually a beautiful, unknown concept. Often misunderstood.

My husband and I have a shared memory from a very young age. I wasn’t more than a toddler, he was two years older. We are from the Mississippi Delta, where Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil to be able to play the guitar. The very spot where he lived, fast forward to our memory- there was a small carnival/fair. My father places me on a carousel with my future husband. We both remember this, from the location, to the lights, to the carousel, to my father.

When I remembered this a few months back, it was a shock to my system because although I have had this memory for a long time, but when I realized the exact location I became worried. Did my father sell me to him in some sort of way that I am not familiar with? I would like to get some confirmations and clarity on this.

I have learned that I know everything that has ever been, I just need to tap into that part of me that holds the information.  I have learned to listen to my body, and feel my way around things instead of just reacting.

All of this is so much harder than I ever expected. I still have the feeling of time running out, but it has definitely shifted. I am trying my best to let go of expectations and control of things.

I don’t want to control things, or be clingy, or have attachment issues, or abandonment issues.  I don’t want to bring anyone down, or hurt anyone’s feelings in any way. But I do want to be loved. That is what I want. Not the love that I currently have, where there are so many conditions.  I want to support someone, and have support returned. I want to give acceptance,

and receive acceptance. I want to give respect and receive respect.

I am alone on this spiritual journey and I don’t like it. This terrifies me. Makes me feel like I did something wrong. This feels like a punishment………. Work in progress.