Thank You for the Pain
One of the hardest lessons I am still trying to learn is handling expectations.
Because, even when I don’t have expectations, I still find myself getting disappointed. Even I know that sounds unrealistic, and illogical.
I’ve been taught that NO ONE will ever live up to my expectations. I will NEVER receive the love in my heart. I will never get that happy ending, because it just will never come. I will never receive the love I want because it just won’t ever come.
I’m supposed to rely on myself, to give me the love that I desire. Man, oh man, am I in trouble.
Mac is right. People shouldn’t have emotions. Even though, to me, that is one of the few good things about this life. I know, right!?!
I still don’t understand how I can be this emotional over something that is so stupid! I had zero expectations. Z E R O!! So, I really need to do some soul searching to find out why I feel as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
I’m trying to be as happy as possible. I bought myself a valentine card, and box of chocolates that I won’t eat. I thought if I made myself my own valentine, I would squeak by unscathed. If I tried to be that for myself, but it just was a stark reminder of the truth. I’m an unlovable person. No matter how hard I try, it is all in vain, because no one will ever love me back. No matter what.
I feel like a half soul. Like, anything I ever do is only half as good as everyone else. I feel like I have always been searching for that other half. There is an emptiness that I have. Why must I feel this way? I have to find out. Worse than that still, it feels as though the other half of my soul rejected me. CAN YOU IMAGINE!!?? Being so horrible, so wretched that your own Twin Flame is disgusted by you? I know it is my own fault. I didn’t try hard enough to reach the goal. I dropped the ball. I am supposed to be my best self right now and I am not. I don’t blame him at all. Period. I think the only thing close to this hurt would be if God himself were to say ” Nope, I don’t love you, you aren’t good enough.”
I remember one time when I was about 6 years old, my mom tried to kill herself. I remember my dad picking her up from the bed and everyone was yelling at me to get out of the way, and I was just so concerned about my mom. I didn’t understand why mom could want to kill herself when she had me to love. Knowing what I know now about my dad, I honestly don’t know how she made it this long. If she is even still alive now. I’m not sure. But ultimately- it was never about me. Yes- my mother loved/loves me. But I know for absolute certain that she NEVER experienced the love that she wanted and deserved.
Not saying my dad didn’t love her. He did, in his own way. A LOT like my relationship with my husband. My dad wanted my mom to cook, and clean and keep the house, and of course have sex with him when he wanted (when he couldn’t get tail from somewhere else). My mom told me that he cheated on her on their honey moon. Maybe that is why I am so saddened today. For her. And myself.
So, I got my husband and both of my kids a card and a box of chocolates. ( myself as well) My husband spent more time on his Twitter Valentine Message than he did on me. He texted and chatted with his friends most of the evening. Then, after he tweeted his V-day message, he asked me to like and share his post. I looked at him straight in the eye and said, k’ You have not even hit like on my painting that I posted 3 days ago!!!! Your friend in Texas hit like on it, but you could not even be bothered!! He promised me he would change, I know it will never happen. I’m not even upset about him in the least. I have a plan. And this is my time to shine.