This is a hard day, it is also the day before the love of my life’s birthday. PTS Disorder definitely caused that, and it was probably cause I constantly over explain things. PTSD is hard enough, and holidays make it worse. I usually feel like I am the only one that feels that way, like how can someone feel so crappy about themselves?
I smile for my children, and everything is ok. I try to focus the other way. While I sit push out despair, keeping a smile one my face. My friend once told me; “Aaron, the past can not be changed, but the future can be. By changing the present moment, the present moment. is the futures past.” He said that so profoundly that it has always stuck with me. Those simple words probably changed my life, because he survived probably one of the toughest things anyone ever would have to face. Overcoming a rate blood tumor that almost cost him his life, but he survived and he works harder than anyone I currently know. I aspire to be like that. He is a hard working American, that through strength and perseverance he has pushed through, I have many friends like him. Other than my son he has always been my best friend. That to me is what I see that makes this Country great. People of all walks of life, coming here a working to make their life better. His family helps other countries build schools and then helps educate the children. Stones of Light foundation helps educate children which I believe is the most important thing to do in this modern tech world generation. I try to sit online and educate sometimes.
PTS is Daily. So you could even create tools to help you, I just hyper focus on my thoughts and think about breathing while not letting it control me. Even though there is anxiety, I still am able to hold still and focus only on my breath. This pulls me to the current moment, then I am able to do things like college, read to my children or even just watch a television show. When I am alone things are different, I tend to go into the memories and write them into an ongoing story. I say ongoing because I am living life and new things are happening, plus I am still writing the story from the beginning.
Breathing helps with the Distractions, the Post Trauma creates visuals and cause you to “flashback” often. People ask you questions, and sometimes you talk to loud because you do not realize it over the deafening sound. I put flashbacks into quotes because I do not imagine it to be like people describe on the TV or boob tube as others have often called it. I imagine it just as you, the reader right now remembers something happening to you that was tragic. That moment of sadness that you either personally experiences or had others close to you witness, or witness yourself. That tragedy caused a sadness, that sadness can stress you out. When left unchecked or “discussed” you open up a window of negativity, thoughts and ideations of past memories that cause a state of hesitation. A daily disorder, characterized by the thoughts. Now lets delve into the word disorder: 1: to disturb the order of
2: to disturb the regular or normal functions of as defined by Marriam-Webster online dictionary. My thoughts do disturb the normal function of my day, but honestly I hope to help find a solution or a cure some day to the disorder side of my PTSD and have it reduced to zero % problem that it causes in my life. Now I do not think about war 24/7 in the way you imagine a flashback to be because of the movie you saw once called American Sniper. You know the one with Bradley Cooper who plays Chris Kyle a Navy Seal Sniper who was a war hero and saved a lot of lives especially Marines. Anyways, when he is sitting in his living room watching tv and it isn’t turned on but he see’s a video. I would have to be focusing on a blank tv or closing my eyes to see it like that. It is a memory, everyone has them. When you had a certain level of trauma to the event you are witnessing it makes you feel scared, frightened and a whole lot of other feelings thrown into the mix. So later, when something happens that reminds you of the event, you “flashback” or remember. This usually brings a sadness back to your life, then as you focus on the memory you get those old feelings confused with your present reality and that is where the disorder comes in. I have found if I talk about the events, get other peoples perspectives and just focus on breathing. I can usually avoid even thinking about how I felt, the sadness so to say. I can focus on the moment and live a normal life all day.
The sounds of the past ring out inside your mind, as if the tinnitus was something different than the ringing you hear inside your mind. The blasts ring out, and those are where the memories come from.
Keep your heart open always, sing your song daily, and seek to the divine always. You matter more than you realize, and if you read this far thanks for reading. Have a great day! Semper Fidelis Friend.